#QuarantinedChaos

#BaxtersBuzz
The stress that comes with this quarantine is a lot. I am blessed to still have a job and I am grateful to not have more immediate needs at the moment. That doesn't take away from the fact that we have our own issues over here! I have hit another wall. The pressures of being a leader at home and at work, where someone needs something pretty much all day is exhausting. I know my wife is feeling a lot of the same pressure. It's just difficult to take a step back and regroup, in large part because we can't physically leave our homes. I relished my drive home from work each day. Those were my few minutes to let go of the work day, attempting to scrape my plate of anything that didn't deserve to make the trip home with me. Although difficult, I'm forcing myself to get up in the morning to have time for myself before "starting" my day. Time to organize my thoughts before we jump on this fire-spitting dragon called #QuarantinedChaos

Song of the Day - The Rain by The Dramatics. As I review the lyrics of this song, I realize that there aren't many. Three short verses, but they are heavy. The best way to describe this song is: The writer has some things weighing heavily on their mind. They are heartbroken. So much so, they'd rather go outside in the rain to cry than to talk to someone about how they are feeling. How well do you deal with your emotions? What do you do to cope?

Isn't She Lovely? - My baby girl just turned 7. In April of 2013, I started to change. I genuinely believe that my chemical makeup is different and it all started after seeing that little girl's face. When I think about Zara and Bryce, I think about keeping them safe at all costs. I think about not only providing advice that sounds like the right thing to do, but being an example. That means putting that advice into practice personally. Win, lose, or draw, I want to be able to say, "Well it did/didn't work out for me that particular time, but what is most important is the attempt that I made."

Vulnerability...A Superpower - I did not cry before my baby arrived. Period. And then Zara was born...boy, did I make up for lost time! My wife even makes fun of me about it because I've truly changed. My heart is more exposed and I'm more vulnerable. But this new vulnerability has actually made me stronger. I can be more transparent and not hide behind this laissez-fare facade all of the time. I am a much more well rounded person, and I'm not sure when/if that happens without the arrival of my children.

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Who's World Is This?

#BaxtersBuzz
I'm starting this week with an edge. Fussing at kids...I mean holding them accountable. They skate by at times, but wifey and I are getting better. More consistent. They absolutely need more attention from us, but that doesn't mean just more tickle monster chases (I'll admit, I enjoy that too). Many times it means doing what you say you're going to do. Whether it's following through, dealing with the negative consequences of their behavior, or taking them for that walk that you promised once you finished that 11am conference call. They need our consistent presence. No getting around it.

Song of the Day - "The World Is Yours" by Nas. It was one of the of his perfectly composed contributions to his classic album, Illmatic, released, on April 19, 1994. The production on this track was dark and airy, creating a juxtaposition between the title, and quite frankly, almost everything else about the song. The World Is Yours wasn't so much trying to communicate despair though. It was just taking you through the number of thoughts that a young black male may have on a given day.

He starts the song with, "I sip the Dom P, watchin' Gandhi 'til I'm charged, then writin' in my book of rhymes, all the words past the margin". Imagine an 18 year old sipping champagne and watching Gandhi. That provides quite the visual, right? But it inspires him to write. So much so that he writes, "all the words past the margin". As a creative thinker, you never know what will inspire a thought. Nas talks about being "caught in the devil's lasso" and how a black cloud over him is making it too dark for him to see tomorrow. If people took the time to pay attention, they would realize that there are many people who feel a sense of hopelessness in their present circumstances. That was prior to this coronavirus outbreak...but even more so now.

But I Called You Last Time - We all FEEL, but maybe have a tough time trying to articulate those feelings. The stress of what's happening in our world doesn't always inspire us to create. Most of time, it weighs on us, telling us to stop whatever we're doing and not push ahead. It tells us to isolate. To lash out at our loved ones. It may even tell us to harm others and even ourselves.
Check on your folks that you haven't heard from. Even if you were the last one to reach out (I know, it gets annoying but now isn't the time to keep score). The world can be cold, but life is amazing! If you're reading this right now, YOU have the opportunity to change someone's day for the better. You have an opportunity to be the friend that you've always wanted to have. You have the opportunity to put your ego aside and collaborate with a group in order to achieve results that you wouldn't be able to achieve alone. What would you like to see more of in the world? Great, now go and contribute those things!

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Another Trip Around the Sun

#BaxtersBuzz

So today is my birthday and shit. I made another trip around the sun!

Today was a day of reflection. I wanted to post around mid-morning, but I wasn't done processing this thought. And as I try to enjoy the day, I can't help but reflect on my past. Today I turned 39 years old. I feel pretty good, especially considering that I haven't had the best week of sleep. As a matter of fact, this has gone on for 3-4 weeks if we’re being honest.

Song of the Day - FEEL by Kendrick Lamar. Almost three years ago to the day, Kendrick Lamar dropped his last studio project. One of the songs that always stirred up so many emotions for me was this one. He raps, " I feel like friends been overrated. I feel like the family been fakin. I feel like the feelings are changing." He's clearly trying to process these feelings of resentment, betrayal, and abandonment. Or maybe that's me projecting how I feel? Hmmm…

Looking For Inspiration - I was honored to have three different people who I admire, tell me they wanted to do some type of creative project with me. These were completely unrelated and unsolicited. It was super flattering! I think there's an energy… a momentum that is building. I can almost taste it! I've tossed and turned for months, trying to shake off fears and avoiding any thoughts of what happens the day AFTER tomorrow. “Tomorrow I have a, b, and c to do.” I can put my head down and lock in. “Sorry! Too busy to think about anything past today and tomorrow.” It’s easier that way. If we continue like that, we’ll be on our death bed, regretting that we didn’t do more with the time we had. I think we're all itching to be great and waiting for an excuse to pursue it. Do we have something that we're passionate enough about to push through the monotonous, unexciting part of the journey? That is the million-dollar question! What if I can help move the needle for someone and help spark that inspiration for them? What if they can do the same for me?

Realigning Your Tribe - One of the books that I'm reading is called "Relational Intelligence" by Dr. Dharius Daniels. He talks about the different types of relationships that we have. Friends, associates, or advisers to name a few. He argues that many times when we're disappointed with someone it is because we have them in the wrong category, and therefore, have expectations that are unfair to you and to that other person. As I began reading the book, I kept thinking about different people from MY past and present. Focusing on what roles these people are playing in my life versus what I may be expecting. All real and legitimate things. But as I made my way through the book, I started to think about what role I was playing in other people’s lives. Some, who seemed to remove me from certain positions and changed their expectations of me. It started to become clear: What I was learning about having the right people in the right positions in my life, some of my people had already learned that lesson. It's (typically) not personal. It’s just shedding your old skin before starting your new journey. If we're picking teams in basketball, everyone can't make it. I imagine that if it went from a basketball game to say, a debating competition, the order of selection may have changed and others may not make the cut

Know Your Role - We're not chosen to run every leg of someone else's race. We may be there to pop things off and then pass the baton. Hell, we may only be there to nurse someone back to health when they're injured and not be part of the actual "race" at all. Every skinned knee, broken heart, and tear drop has a story. When you think about it, it’s humbling to be even a small part of someone’s journey. I'm blessed that many of my friends and I still stay in touch. We talk about the old times, cracking jokes and teasing one another. But other times we're talking about our children, spouses, and offering encouragement. It all depends on the particular friend and what they bring to your life currently. That will determine whether you talk about that summer of 2001 or plan for 2021.

Thanks for reading. Please comment and share with others who may appreciate it.

Read more. Write more. Love more. Pray more. Live more. 

Easter Weekend and Coronavirus

#BaxtersBuzz

Happy Easter! All the days seem to be running together with birthdays and the Easter holiday. Wifey has done such a great job of tying things together. She made sure there were gifts for Bryce's special day. Things are already ordered for Zara's birthday (later this month) and these spoiled little things actually had Easter baskets! Oh yeah, my birthday is in April too, just to add to the dynamic.

Song of the Day -  'I Wonder' by Kanye West. The wife and I were engaged, sharing one car, and living in Lansing, Michigan at this time. Kanye's Graduation album was the soundtrack to my life that year. I "wonder" a lot in general. I ponder. Mostly looking ahead though (suppression of memories is my thing) and rarely backward. Back in 2007-2008, I wondered what would be next for my soon to be wife and I. Wondered how the f I got to Lansing. And I always, and still do wonder what is next for me and the way I provide for the family. Not exactly sure what the future holds, but I know that this blog needs to be a part of my life! Selfishly, I need to document these thoughts to help me process all of the emotions, thoughts, and ideas. The journaling is therapeutic. The hope is to sleep better! I'm  also choosing to share these things, with the hope of inspiring some of you.

You Gon Hurt Your Back - I'm a decent person with a large number (huge number!) of blind spots. Blind spots, meaning, things that I'm not interested in/or aware that others are interested in. Or just flat out ignorant to.  I am so thankful that my wife keeps an eye on things that are hardly ever on my radar. She adds so much "regular people" shit to my life. Most things don't seem like a big deal to me because I didn't experience them. And if there was any disappointment from the past, I tucked it away and kept it moving.

Defense Mechanisms - That's how I've handled most of the things in my life. It helped me growing up. The suppression. The compartmentalization. I'm sure it kept me from losing my mind as a young person, asking questions that either couldn't be answered or answered with harsh truths that I probably wasn't prepared for. I think about many of my friends and the baggage that we carry. God bless the partners and spouses who love us for us. Baggage and all. If you don't think you have baggage, think again. It's not about who has the most, it's about being empathetic and accepting of your partner's weaknesses. If someone is putting up with your crap, try to be more accepting of theirs.

No Bad Energy - As Wifey talks to her father on the phone, I find myself being torn about how to deal with him. Have you ever found out that someone has a problem with you through... someone else!? Last time I spoke with him, I was thanking him for allowing the kids and I to take the hour trip and visit him. I was killing two birds: Giving my wife a break from us and letting the kids see their PaPa (and vice versa). The rest of the story isn't important, but I thought we had a decent day. Come to find out, he did not see it that way after I left. I'm not in the business of forcing people to share with me. I used to be in that business, but with a few folks that I deeply care for. I learned (the hard way) that either people will care enough about you to share any problems they have with you or they won't. I have plenty of things to be thankful for and plenty of relationships to develop. I can't give much energy to bullshit. I'm ALWAYS open to a conversation, but I'm not playing mind reader.

Grateful - During this pandemic, I have been a little embarrassed by our privilege. We're in such a better position than most, that I feel bad for complaining about certain things right now. That's not to say that we don't have issues, but in the grand scheme of things, life is pretty good. Wifey and I are still working and it looks like we both are in decent shape with our employers. But these kids....they are running us into the ground! Our children spend a lot of time with us generally, but this is different. They need what they need and there's nobody to blame, but I know there's more that I can be doing. Many times, it points to more organization from me. A better plan of attack for each day. But as Mike Tyson once said, "Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face." and that's how most days feel LOL.

Health is Wealth - This covid-19 is the scariest shit imaginable. I'm praying for the entire world's healing and I hope folks are staying home and taking this seriously. To the essential workers, thank you! This is like a bad, scariest ass movie. My heart goes out to all of those who have lost loved ones to this.

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