Survivor's Guilt

Buzz of the Week Survivor's Guilt - The rapper Jay-Z has just released a book called "Decoded," where he reflects on his life and how rap is poetry, contrary to what many folks think. I was listening to an interview that Howard Stern did with Jay, asking him about his past, and is he uncomfortable because of the amount of money he's made. He said, "Sure. Survivor's guilt." Typically, when I've heard that term, it was in reference to a disaster where many people die and a small number of people survive. Naturally, those survivors will ask, "Why me?" I think kids that come from difficult circumstances have a certain amount of guilt if they are fortunate enough to rise above their prior situation. I have survivor's guilt. My cousin Boo is a smart, charismatic, confident guy, who happens to be in prison with a sentence of natural life. That means barring appeal, he will die in prison. We are about two years apart and he has spent over half of his life and all of his adult life in prison. I feel awful when I don't write enough or visit enough. I feel awful when I see Boo's dad. I feel bad when I do visit and we reminisce about things that happen 15 years ago. Things that I only vaguely remember, but he recalls like it was yesterday because he's spent so much time in prison. What can I do to make myself feel less guilty? I ask my self that almost every day. Part of me feels like I'm living for those I grew up with and never made it, those who are no longer here and never made it, my cousin Boo, and my wife. I've been waiting my whole life knowing a I have gear to ratchet up to, but I don't know how to access it. I want to be great. I want to get the most out of my life. No regrets. So I can take care of my family and make my cousin proud. I want to look back on my life and know I've given it everything I had. I have a feeling that I'm getting closer to that next gear, but I don't know how close. I pray that it comes sooner rather than later.