September 25, 2014

Baxter's Buzz

So this is a Thursday night post that may or may not make the cut. My plan is to publish this tonight, but this isn't the first time I've attempted to blog about this topic. I unsuccessfully attempted this earlier this week. Here goes nothing:

Tomorrow, my baby turns 17 months. I sent pictures to some of my family members (only the ones who always ask me for pictures. I added them all to a group on my phone) recently and one of my sisters made the comment that my baby girl reminded her of my mom (I say "my mom" because we have different mothers). Last Friday was my mother's birthday. She would've been 66 years old. March of 2015 will be the 25th year that she's been gone. She died in 1990 and after 24+ years, I have NO CLUE how I've made it this far. I am truly blessed. I haven't had a ton of people in my corner, per se, just a potent group of people. Those who don't know your struggle don't understand why you hold your head up high. Why you don't let petty things affect your mood (most of the time).

We live in this world where most of what we see isn't real. Corporate America is made up mostly of puppets and unhappy people. Every now and then, I'll look around at work and wonder if there's anyone else looking at the world from my uncommon perspective. There are a few people that I know personally, and I have a good idea of how they see things. I wonder about many others. Sometimes I want to pull certain people aside and ask them if they are part of the flock or just pretending to be.

I don't belong. I don't fit. I try (at times), but I feel like everyone knows the truth. Sometimes I'm wearing my disappointment on my sleeve. I don't intentionally go against the grain. I am not outwardly antagonistic. I mostly keep my mouth shut when I hear regurgitated jargon and ridiculous claims that insult my intelligence. Sometimes I get REALLY antsy though. I discreetly peak around the conference room to see if anyone will take a stand. And nobody blows holes into this weak sauce that's being served! And I keep my mouth shut as well, afraid that I'll ruin the end of the movie for everyone. That maybe nobody has seen this movie and I'll be letting the proverbial "cat out of the bag," or EVERYONE knows the ending but playing along And those who suspected that I didn't belong in the first place will point and say, "See! He is not one of us!"

My baby girl is a constant reminder of how obvious us adults can be. She can be playing with one of our smart phones and we'll attempt to "trick" her and sneak a toy phone in her hand as we snatch our much more expensive phone from her. How does she react? The same way I want to react when I get a lame response from leadership when I ask a question. The same way I want to react when I feel like nobody actually understands my perspective, but they nod their head in an attempt to pacify me. My wife and I are not fooling my baby no more than some coward in your corporate office is fooling you. But what do you do with that information? More than likely, you won't do anything. Just like I haven't done anything.

My mom passed in March of 1990. My dad passed in March of 2014. I think she'd be proud of what I've done so far. I know my dad was proud. Imperfect, for sure. A lot of great ideas, but not enough of them have grown legs. I've followed my heart at times when I should've thought things through more. Other times, I've hesitated when I should've just reacted. With all that being said, I have progressed. I still have a ways to go. But what's next for me?

Who's Your Competition?

Who's your competition? - Competition is a good thing. It is the element that makes champions. It's also the element that makes enemies. Success cannot be attained without competition. Sometimes we're competing with others unknowingly. Sometimes they know and you don't, and vice versa. There are people who are in my office who I indirectly compete with. Our sales numbers are close and I'm always curious about how they're doing from month to month. Maybe they look at my numbers the same way.  "Cleanup in aisle nine" - My 16 month old baby has a special talent. She can make any food (or drink) messy. And us adults seem to do the same thing regarding life. We are imperfect, emotional, impulsive beings. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so human. So messy. Being Flynn - So I watched a movie this weekend call, "Being Flynn," starring Robert DeNiro. Interesting movie. Writers see the world differently and because of that, "creatives" have a higher chance to suffer from depression or other mental illnesses like bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. My defense mechanism is to dismiss things immediately. I don't feel like I have the time to worry about things that I cannot control. But the things that I think about, I REALLY think about, many times, to my own detriment. Replaying moments in my head and seeing details that others miss, gives me a unique perspective. I understand how depression can set in. Replaying items over and over in your brain can seem obsessive (It seems this way because....it is!), but it allows you to articulate from a different place. Great for writing, but can be bad for regular ole' life.